Life of A Slave

Hey there.

So the last time that I was here is basically 3-4 years ago. I learnt that even though you feel that you rant into another social media, you still need a medium to write it down.

The last time that I am here to write about that particular someone is when he was leaving for another place that i cant mention tho. & this day, remarks another journey of him leaving me. Not saying leave as leave but then yeah the same thing happen all over again then.

Basically, the last time that I went through all this, I felt sad for almost a week. Now that this thing happen with some other unfortunate circumstances, I dont know what to feel. I have so many emotions evolve in me and yes, I couldnt even cry thinking about my situation now. I have to stand strong for others as thats needed at the moment. I couldnt give up and yes, I couldnt even give a chance for myself to be happy.

Its not that I'm trying to clarify everything but I guess I need to sort out my life first. Love can wait tho, i guess. But if its not meant to be, then i know that i should just let it go. Even he is in front of me at the moment, I couldn't even utter a word to him. I was worried for something that its not even happening yet. The one that listen to my story would know at this point that they got tired of the endless cycle. Its the same all over again and again. I don't blame them. If i were in their position, I may get tired with every drama that I face tho.

There is nothing will change if i didnt find a gut to change it. As there were too many on my plates at the moment, I have decided to forget whatever that i feel now. Its better for him to be safe and have a smooth transition going there. I will just kept whatever that i feel for almost 7 years now. Its like a waste tho to spill it now, i guess. There is nothing positive that I could get from all of this.

IF after he leave and I will be left with sadness and other emotions, I should embrace that as this what I choose at the end of the day. I should stand strong and be happy for him. I should just keep moving on and pray the best for him. I should

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So hey everyone.

I have been down lately. & turns out its not that easy to stand up and picking up all the courages.

I always think that I dont have so much worth compared to others. Since primary school, I always think that other person did achieve something more than myself. I always get the attention from teachers but in the same time, I always will be put aside as i dont have any tuition after school hours, i dont have any astro at that time and i am the one that dont have a driver that will bring me home after school. It may sounds silly but even my own english teacher has slandered me by saying that i will crash my science teacher engagement. During that time, I have the courage to face the teacher and telling him the truth but as time passed by, I do notice that i will just keep everything to myself.

I always feel like competing with others in so many things. Even during college time, my roomates, classmates will always compare pointers for every semester. Its an healthy competition tho. Just, the time will eventually passing by and all those memories whether its good or bad, will always become a lesson.

During my internship, I have been treated really bad. I couldn't even overcome the fears of people telling me that i'm not doing my best just yet. I'm trying my best for 3 months to serve them the best and then at the end of the internship, they just simply give me a bad results that cause my dreams to study overseas shattered into pieces. The dissapointment that i saw in my parents eyes at the moment is so unbearable. In fact, I still remember how upset they are during the time that i broke the news that i couldnt even apply for the scholarship/loan due to my bad results. I have been trying for almost 3 years, and at the end, Allah knows better. (Do pray that I have a strength and not really thinking about this. I just couldnt stop crying at the thought of this)

So, 3 years. then, i have decide to proceed with working eventho my parents has convinced me before that I shall further my study. I really dont have the passion anymore because all i could think is to serve my family. I wont let them down anymore. Plus i dont really have any money to spend on education at the moment. I could lend ptptn to further but as my morale really down at the moment, i start looking for jobs instead.

Working environment. I will proceed with Part 2.

Night.

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Hey everyone.

I wanted to start this article by writing about someone that is close to my heart at the moment. He might not be knowing this now and forever but i really wanted to keep it here.

I opened this blog again in 2016 and only writes 3 posts. I noticed that I only post 2 things about me and other its about him. Yes, 2016 is a tough year for me. Its even tougher because I never thought i will need to separate for him in just a few weeks time.

In fact, I have cried before and this few days this person has making me become restless. I just dont even think that I would meet him and working with him again after the 'separation' from the year 2016.

I remembered this one verse from quran.

Fighting has been enjoined upon you while it is hateful to you. But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not. (2:216)

So i need to be working with him. As always, i always feel comfort by staying besides him. I never thought or even thought that this feelings will resurface. In fact, I was so reluctant and saying I wont falling in love with him anymore. Soon, as the time passed by I could see that I actually have may fallen in love, AGAIN.

Just this time, I wish I dont have this feelings. I really used to have his presence and now, I feel awkwardness if I need to deal with him. I hate to have this feelings as I will be really emotional and without solid reasons, I will just burst into tears or may pissed off at him. *Sigh

I wish to run away and not meeting him again. But, how can I live by lying to myself? If one day, I didn't see him or anything, I will find an excuses to meet him. Either by texting, calling or even meet in person. At one times, I looked at him and whenever he noticed that, I said that I miss him. I really mean that while he would show that he disgusted with that.

If this is how he reacts every single time, I dont even know how would I express this feelings towards him. He used to have girlfriend and its not possible he has one at the time being.

Whenever I feel that he shows some care towards me, I feel like flying in the thin air. Butterflies flying in my stomach. Once, we have good laugh for 1 hour and a half. I am stressed that week but it felts like nothing ever happened. I feel so happy for a week till I could smile even while driving to work. I was smiling like a crazy person by just imagining those happy moments.

Its not a week or two for me to realize that I have that feelings again. Its not easy tho, kerinting.

I wish after this week, I would have the strength to be normal. I wish I would forget all those silly moments with you. Almost 4 years now and we have been through so many things together without even realizing it. All the fights and arguments, all those affectionate laughs, all those times that you tease me, all those drinks that you have spent on me, all those sweetness of the moments. I wish to let it go.

I even hope that in the nearest times I would find someone else. In that way, I wish to forget you and never have a fight with you anymore. You have your own life, and i dont deserve to be a part of it.

Oh Allah, grant me the strength to move on. Dah tak mampu untuk jaga jodoh orang lain. Kerinting, jaga diri tau. I may seems to fight and hates everything that you did, but its just because if i dont do that, I dont feel the needs for you to talk to me. I am sorry. But, just in here, I would say that I love you. I do, kerinting.

I kept this to myself for four years. Now, kita boleh tinggalkan di sini. Moga tulisan ini akan membawa semua perasaan yang mengarut ini.

Moga tuhan jaga.

Yang Benar,
Farhana

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Life of A Slave

Fighting has been enjoined upon you while it is hateful to you. But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not. (2:216)

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