Hey everyone. 

I wanted to start this article by writing about someone that is close to my heart at the moment. He might not be knowing this now and forever but i really wanted to keep it here. 

I opened this blog again in 2016 and only writes 3 posts. I noticed that I only post 2 things about me and other its about him. Yes, 2016 is a tough year for me. Its even tougher because I never thought i will need to separate for him in just a few weeks time. 

In fact, I have cried before and this few days this person has making me become restless. I just dont even think that I would meet him and working with him again after the 'separation' from the year 2016. 

I remembered this one verse from quran. 

So i need to be working with him. As always, i always feel comfort by staying besides him. I never thought or even thought that this feelings will resurface. In fact, I was so reluctant and saying I wont falling in love with him anymore. Soon, as the time passed by I could see that I actually have may fallen in love, AGAIN. 

Just this time, I wish I dont have this feelings. I really used to have his presence and now, I feel awkwardness if I need to deal with him. I hate to have this feelings as I will be really emotional and without solid reasons, I will just burst into tears or may pissed off at him. *Sigh

I wish to run away and not meeting him again. But, how can I live by lying to myself? If one day, I didn't see him or anything, I will find an excuses to meet him. Either by texting, calling or even meet in person. At one times, I looked at him and whenever he noticed that, I said that I miss him. I really mean that while he would show that he disgusted with that. 

If this is how he reacts every single time, I dont even know how would I express this feelings towards him. He used to have girlfriend and its not possible he has one at the time being. 

Whenever I feel that he shows some care towards me, I feel like flying in the thin air. Butterflies flying in my stomach. Once, we have good laugh for 1 hour and a half. I am stressed that week but it felts like nothing ever happened. I feel so happy for a week till I could smile even while driving to work. I was smiling like a crazy person by just imagining those happy moments.

Its not a week or two for me to realize that I have that feelings again. Its not easy tho, kerinting. 

I wish after this week, I would have the strength to be normal. I wish I would forget all those silly moments with you. Almost 4 years now and we have been through so many things together without even realizing it. All the fights and arguments, all those affectionate laughs, all those times that you tease me, all those drinks that you have spent on me, all those sweetness of the moments. I wish to let it go.

I even hope that in the nearest times I would find someone else. In that way, I wish to forget you and never have a fight with you anymore. You have your own life, and i dont deserve to be a part of it. 

Oh Allah, grant me the strength to move on. Dah tak mampu untuk jaga jodoh orang lain. Kerinting, jaga diri tau. I may seems to fight and hates everything that you did, but its just because if i dont do that, I dont feel the needs for you to talk to me. I am sorry. But, just in here, I would say that I love you. I do, kerinting. 

I kept this to myself for four years. Now, kita boleh tinggalkan di sini. Moga tulisan ini akan membawa semua perasaan yang mengarut ini. 

Moga tuhan jaga.

Yang Benar,
Farhana